Chaired by Dr. Ellier Russ. This committee coordinates programs and classes to engage members in lifelong learning. Events include our yearly Scholar in Residence program, Talmud Study, and more. Guest speakers, online webinars and Shabbat morning discussions additionally provide congregants with opportunities to expand their knowledge of Judaism and living a Jewish life.

vayishlach 5786: modeling modesty

Shabbat Shalom Weeklyby Rabbi Yitzchak Zweig  December 6, 2025
GENESIS  VAYISHLACH (32:4-33:20) Triennial 1

GOOD MORNING! One of my friends recently told me how shocked he is at the outfits his teenage daughter wears to school, “Rabbi, by comparison a tennis skirt would be considered modest and overly long.” He has given up trying to get her to dress differently, “It just leads to an all-out confrontation, one that I am unwilling to have every day at 6:30 in the morning.”

I want to add that his daughter attends a school that is run, at least ostensibly, as a coed Orthodox Jewish day school. I say ostensibly because immodest dress is antithetical to authentic Jewish Torah values.

The continually disintegrating standards of what is acceptable to wear in public is following the pattern of declining social mores several decades in the making. Unfortunately, over the last two decades the insidious influence of social media has super charged this descent.

Entertainment and fashion industries that once highlighted glamorous, elegant dressing have devolved into garish and risqué displays, reminiscent of Hans Christian Andersen’s The Emperor’s New Clothes. The only difference is that now no one even pretends to see the clothes, in fact, they seem to prefer it that way. Unfortunately, this attitude has permeated society.

In response, the more right-leaning Orthodox day schools, particularly the single gender ones, are militant in their adherence to draconian dress codes. Aside from requiring their students to wear uniforms, these schools’ dress codes describe in exhaustive detail; neck lines, sleeve and skirt lengths, sock height, and even shoe specifications. Additionally, hair must be worn a certain way and makeup is all but prohibited.

Superficially, it is understandable why the schools feel the need to address concerns over dressing properly so severely. But couching it as “tzniut – modesty” policies simply betrays a failure of understanding what this Torah value is really about.

These schools are merely addressing symptoms instead of focusing on the core cause. This is similar to a dehydrated person popping Advil like Tic Tacs to deal with their headaches instead of increasing their water intake.

In actuality, the Torah value of personal modesty or tzniut has little to do with what you wear. Focusing mostly on clothing and appearance teaches students the wrong lesson.

In last week’s Torah portion, Jacob’s father-in-law Lavan wanted to trick Jacob into marrying his elder daughter Leah instead of Rachel – who’s hand in marriage he had previously agreed to give to Jacob.

Jacob, fully aware of the devious nature of his father-in-law to be, prepared for this with Rachel by creating a series of code words to be delivered under the marriage canopy. In this way, even though she would be heavily veiled, Rachel would be able to quietly convey that it was, in fact, her under the veil. However, Rachel had second thoughts.

Upon seeing her father doing exactly what Jacob had feared – switching Rachel out and with Leah – she realized that her sister would be terribly shamed and embarrassed if Lavan’s deception would come to light during the wedding ceremony. To prevent a public commotion, Rachel told her sister the code words and Jacob inadvertently married Leah. Lavan later pacified him by allowing him to marry Rachel the following week.

The Talmud (Megillah 13b) states that because of Rachel’s extraordinary display of tzniut her children too would carry that trait and they would become royalty; both King Saul and (hundreds of years later) Queen Esther were her descendants. But this is a little puzzling. One might understandably say that Rachel was a ba’alas chessed (a kindhearted and charitable person) and therefore wanted to prevent her sister from embarrassment, but what does this have to do with the attribute of modesty? Perhaps even more perplexing, what does tzniut have to do with kingship?

The attribute of tzniut actually means not calling attention to oneself (the Hebrew word tzanua means hidden or discreet). In other words, Rachel realized that if Leah didn’t know Jacob’s code words it would become a huge hullabaloo: Jacob would reject Leah as a wife, creating a scene at the wedding that would bring unpleasant attention on Leah (who would be mortified), and bring Rachel’s own absence under intense scrutiny.

Rachel, personifying the attribute of tzniut, never wanted to be the center of attention. People who are totally self-absorbed and make everything about themselves have an impossible time sharing their space or limelight. By contrast, people who are secure in themselves are comfortable sharing with others. It’s this personal attribute of tzniut that prevented Rachel from desiring attention and enabled her to allow Jacob to marry Leah.

Have you ever noticed that the people who call the most attention to themselves are generally the most superficial and the least interesting? These are usually people who have failed to properly develop themselves, leading to low self-esteem. Their way of coping with that failure is to become inveterate publicity hounds, and the more attention – whatever kind of attention – the better. They tend to make terrible bosses, spouses, business partners, and leaders because there is very little space for anyone else in their reality.

By contrast, people who are modest and secure don’t need constant validation and therefore don’t seek the spotlight. They actually prefer to listen rather than speak. They can take a stand not because they have to be right, but because they aren’t afraid to be wrong. Consequently, they will also own their mistakes.

Most importantly, modest and secure people focus on the needs of others and look for ways to build up those around them. These are key elements of leadership and that’s why tzniut is a prerequisite to Jewish kingship. Both King Saul and Queen Esther modeled the attribute of modesty.

We find a similar lesson in this week’s Torah portion. It opens with our forefather Jacob feverishly preparing for an epic showdown with his brother Eisav who was marching towards him with four hundred men in full battle mode. One of the ways that Jacob dealt with this imminent threat was to try and pacify his brother by paying him a huge tribute in the form of cattle:

“[…] he took from that which had come into his hand a tribute to Eisav his brother: She goats two hundred and twenty he goats, two hundred ewes and twenty rams, thirty nursing camels and their young, forty cows and ten bulls, twenty female donkeys and ten male donkeys” (Genesis 32:14-16).

The Torah details the actual number of animals that Jacob had readied as a gift for his brother. Oddly, four of the five species that Jacob gave to Eisav are listed as males and females while the camels were gifted as pairs of mother and child.

Because of this, the Midrash suggests that instead of reading the phrase “thirty nursing camels with their young (בניהם), the verse should be read “thirty nursing camels with those that build them” (בנאיהם i.e. their mates). Rashi goes on to quote the end of the Midrash that explains why the mates of the camels are written in such a cryptic manner: Because camels are modest in their mating habits the Torah chose not to publicize this (that the camels were mated pairs).

Modern field studies have observed that breeding pairs of camels separate from the herd and go somewhere secluded before mating. In addition, most mating events occur at night or at dawn, naturally reducing visibility. Camel mating also usually involves the male kneeling low to the ground behind the female, making the act physically less visible compared to most ungulates that stand (I am fairly certain that’s more than you ever wanted to know on the subject).

Still, why does the Torah describe male camels as “those that build them,” and what does this have to do with the fact that they are modest in their mating habits?

Because the camels are innately modest, the relationship between male and female is one of a bond and they are as a single unit – thus they are the only species that Jacob sent with a 1:1 ratio of male to female. Camels aren’t focused on merely gratifying their desires; their focus is on having children. The Torah previously describes having children as being “built” (see Genesis 16:2 and Rashi ad loc). Because the camels have a sense of modesty the basis of their mating is not self-centered. The male camels are focused on producing the next generation, which in turn “builds up” the females.

It is, of course, no coincidence that the Hebrew word for “camel – gamal” is the same root word for “giving – gomel.” When your life is not self-centered it’s much easier to be a giving person.

If we truly want our children to be modest and model the attribute of tzniut, we have to do what we can to build them up and make sure they are happy with themselves. Consequently, they won’t be constantly seeking superficial (and very unhealthy) outside validation. We must make sure they are secure with who they are and help them express themselves. When they are comfortable with themselves, they will focus outwardly and give to others. By doing this we actually build up the next generation who, in turn, will build the future.

TORAH PORTION:VAYISHLACH
DECEMBER 6,  2025   16 KISLEV 5786 Torah   GENESIS (32:4-33:20) Triennial  1
  Haftorah: OBEDIAH 1:10-18:21
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